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September 2, 2013


As I mentioned in the previous post, we are in Oregon, and therefore, in Bigfoot country. The photo above shows a wooden carving in front of a restaurant called “The Bigfoot Pub and Grill.” I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate a post to this legendary and frustratingly elusive creature.

The first Bigfoot sighting on record was penned in a journal sometime around 1588. An aid to Sir Walter Raleigh, a man named Tony (Two Galleons) Gordura—a Portuguese sailor and linguisa exporter—came to the new world to set up a fly fishing shop in Roanoke. He was nicknamed “Two Galleons,” because he had inordinately large nostrils, and once, after a few flagons of ale at a London tavern, Edward Gildenstern remarked, “Geeze, Tony, you could fit two Spanish Galleons up each of your nostrils.” hilarity ensued, a good laugh was had by all, Tony disemboweled Gildenstern, and the name stuck.

Tony Gordura penned these words: “Day 352. Sir Walter Raleigh has been gone now for some time. He said he was heading back to England for more supplies, more reinforcements and a haircut. I should have known something was amiss when he waved good-bye to us as we stood on the dock. Raleigh gave us the finger and said, ‘So long, suckers!’ ”

“On the way back to my cabin, I heard a twig snap and looked to my left, and there, hiding behind a sapling, was an enormous hairy beast. The smell of the thing was horrific and made my eyes water. It was not unlike when Hamish Magilicutty skips his strict regimen of one bath per month.”

He went on to say, “As I had neglected to bring along my musket, sword and a detachment of highly-skilled jungle fighters, I decided to run for it.”

It is here that the journal entry comes to an end. The rest of the pages are filled with scratchy pen marks, smudged ink spots and some primitive scrawl that says, “Croatoan, baby! Croatoan like it’s 1599!”

(Editor’s note: As most people even remotely familiar with history know, the first settlers of Roanoke vanished into thin air and were never heard from again. The only evidence left behind was the word “Croatoan” carved into a nearby tree.)

(Writer’s note: Um, I think your tone is a bit uppity. There are probably lots of people who never heard of the lost colony of Roanoke. It’s somewhat obscure. I don’t want to offend my readers.)

(Editor’s note: “Offend my readers.” that’s a good one. More people read Facebook’s Terms of Use policy in its entirety than read your stupid blog.)

(Writer’s note: Oh, now that’s hurtful. I’m just having fun here. I think you should do your job and keep your biases to yourself.)

(Editor’s note: difficult to do.)

(Writer’s note: Why?)

(Editor’s note: Because I don’t really exist, except as a writing devise in a poor attempt at Woody Allen-esk humor.)

(Writer’s note: Point well taken.)

(Editor’s note: Thank you.)

From → Blogs

  1. Rob permalink

    Hilarious. It should be mandatory for you to channel Woody Allen at the end of each entry!

    • Glad you enjoyed the post, Rob. Here’s one of my all-time favorite Woody Allen quotes. It’s from Side Effects: “More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

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